Shouts & Hollers

     Halloween is almost here, but the real terror comes after the candy’s all eaten and costumes are put away.   I’m talking about the upcoming Holiday season, filled with opportunities for long visits with difficult relatives.  We all have someone whose visits fill us with dread, and chances are they’re planning a visit to your house as you’re reading this.

     Humor aside, these visits can be true sources of stress during an otherwise joyful time of the year.  But they don’t have to be!  Here are ten tips to minimize discomfort so you can enjoy the winter holidays without a single meltdown:

1.       If you know family members are going to visit, arrange to meet at a restaurant or other neutral place.   This prevents the never-ending visit with Uncle Jack, who never leaves.  Plus, no pre-visit house preparations!  Score!

2.       If a neutral location is not an option, plan the visit before another event, so you have a definite ending time for the visit.  For instance, if you plan the visit right before Christmas Eve church service, you won’t look like a bad guy when you say, “I hate to run everybody off, but we’ve got to get to church early – little Johnny is playing Joseph in the Christmas play.” 

3.       Got a relative who likes to give you grief about really petty things?  Find a common enemy.  Chances are, they are really just insecure and like to exploit weaknesses in others to feel superior.  Bring up an actor, musician, or other public figure that your relative dislikes, and steer the conversation away from common pitfalls.  “Oh, wow… did you guys see Britney Spears’ new video?   Trash!!!”  Note – since it’s so close to the election, I would recommend avoiding all political talk.  It might shift the spotlight away from you, but it could start World War III in your living room.

4.       Serve a variety of finger foods instead of a large meal.  This way, everyone gets something they like (you hope!) and you don’t have to listen to Aunt Maggie whine in great detail about how she can’t eat your lasagna because cheese doesn’t agree with her digestive system.  You don’t even have to make all the food yourself – you can buy frozen appetizers and hors d’oeuvres that are just as good as those you get in a restaurant, or arrange to have your get-together catered. 

5.       While a little wine, beer, or mixed drinks can act as a “social lubricant” and make everyone a little more chill, too much alcohol can lessen inhibitions and let people’s ugly sides come out in full effect.  Plus, if they drink too much, they could wind up crashing at your place – or worse, into another driver.   Offer it only in moderation and don’t be afraid to cut crazy Cousin Jimmy off after a couple beers – or sooner, if he’s driving.  If you aren’t sure whether a little hooch will be a good or bad thing for your guests, serve soft drinks, instead.  It’s always better to err on the safe side.

6.       Give guests an opportunity to contribute – ask them (politely!) to perform a task.  By asking for help, you’re acknowledging that they are good at something.  It’s a compliment!  Everyone likes to know that others look up to them.  “Hey, Uncle Jim, I forgot to pick up some ice.  Would you mind going to the shop across the street and picking some up for me?”   “Oh, Aunt Nancy, I forget how to make your salad dressing.  Could you mix it up for me?”  Not only will this give your relative a little bit of an ego boost, it will keep them busy for a while so maybe they won’t remember to bring up that story – again —  about that time you got your head stuck in the banister at Grandma’s house.

7.       Avoid obvious attempts to find common ground.  For instance, if your source of discomfort between your family and you stems from your choice of partner, don’t make obvious attempts to find a connection between the two.  “Hey, Uncle Jack.  I know you’re a Marshall fan.  My husband, Bob, is also a Marshall fan.  Who knew, right?”   It will only highlight the fact that the two have little in common to begin with, and will probably make both people feel even more uncomfortable.  Instead, make sure both individuals know that you enjoy spending time with them.  It would also be a really good idea to thank your partner for their patience with your difficult relatives – after the relatives have left, of course.

8.       Watch out for traps!  Some relatives really enjoy creating drama by setting verbal traps for others to fall into, like bringing up a topic you know you’re going to disagree on, or hurling zingers that are carefully crafted to get under your skin.  As infuriating as this is, any participation in this drama is simply going to ensure that it continues and grows quickly.  Smile, chuckle, and say something neutral like, “Ha!  Ya got me!” and then change the subject.  (Note:  practice this scenario with a friend a few times, if you have to.)  But whatever you do, do not get angry, defend yourself, or otherwise allow the conversation to continue.  It will gather power like a snowball rolling downhill, and you can’t outrun it.  Step aside and let it go past. 

9.       Realize that the relatives who cause you so much discomfort and stress are probably uncomfortable and stressed-out about visiting you, too, and don’t know how to handle those feelings.  Leave whatever caused this discomfort for both of you in the past and offer them every opportunity to be comfortable.  Don’t be overly sweet, but do what you can to be a good host.   Keep their glass full (but limit the alcohol!), offer them the comfy chair, try to talk about things that make them happy, and always thank them for visiting.  

10.      Accept the fact that sometimes, people are difficult to get along with because they want to be, and that there is nothing you can do about it, except tolerate them.  Sometimes there is nothing you can do but suffer through the visit, smile a lot, and dodge a lot of snowballs.